Reality Check

Today I feel frustration. I feel stressed. I feel anxious. I feel overwhelmed by the horrible things that people deal with in their lives. I feel sorrow for the generation which doesn't seem to care about the "right" way to do things. I feel fatigue in dealing with people who make bad choices and then don't understand why their lives are so rough. I feel pain for the children I work with whose PARENTS make bad choices and those kids are left to teach themselves (generally without success).

I wonder if anyone will ever be able to make a difference in their lives. I wonder about the difference I make. . .I wonder if I just talk and explain and care and worry in vain. I wonder how they will cope in their suffering. I wonder if some of them will ever find God and trust in Him.

I pray. I know fully that God is in control. . .I know fully that he uses me as his tool in people's lives. . .I know that fully that my words are His words, speaking to hearts what he needs them to hear at that moment. I pray that my words and actions are right. I pray that they can see Jesus in my eyes or that they can feel Him in my presence. I pray. For wisdom and truth.

But still. . .I find myself wondering. . .and feeling.

In the last two weeks I have cared for a 15 year old who was 2 months post-partum. I have cared for MANY women/girls who are so lost in the sins of sexual immorality that I wonder if they will ever find their way. . and if they do, will they be remorseful and repentent, or will they even know that they were wrong? I have cared for teenagers whose family life is completely INCOMPREHENSIBLE to me and I wonder how they could ever possibly grow up "normal." I have cared for women who have their had their hearts broken. I have cared for non-compliant people that make me want to gouge my eyes out. I have cared for long time patients now facing terrible and terminal illnesses. I have cared for their families that have to cope with, not only a changing family member, but the fact that the life they love so much, may be gone more quickly than they ever dreamed. I have cared for families dealing with more than one devastating disease within their family unit at once. I have cared for friends to whom I have had to explain their new chronic disease processes, diseases that make them face their own morbidity and mortality. I have cared for so many people that are breaking my heart, that I feel emotionally wasted. . drained. . dead.

Please don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love my patients. I love what I do. That love is what makes me who I am, and is the driving force behind what I do. But today my heart feels heavy. Heavy with questions for God. Why?? It's not my job to understand, or to see the big picture. It's not my job to judge people. It's not my job to question God. It is my job to pray; and my job to listen for God's soft whisper; and my job to say the things he lays on my heart to say.

The thing that I LOVE most about blogging, is that I can be me, talking about what I want to! I can be silly if I want, educational if I choose, serious and reflective if I need to be, but it's always MY choice. I enjoy telling stories on my family, and love talking about gardening or cooking or the latest projects. As I have grown in my career over the last 15 years, it seems more people can relate to me only on a medical level, and less people can relate that I am just a plain, ole ordinary person who doesn't LOVE to talk shop always and everywhere. I am not tougher than anyone else, not cooler than anyone else, not a hero. I am just me; just a human; one who hurts like you, bleeds like you, and screws up DAILY. .just like everyone else!!

SO, as I moped around my kitchen this evening in my heavy-heartedness praying for wisdom and answers and peace, I felt the urgency to blog. I argued with myself for over an hour. No one wants to hear that; no one will understand; TOO HEAVY. The soft, familiar voice that I hear so often spoke: "I need you to write." And here I am. Not sure why, other than that God told me to write. I hope the writing will benefit someone. But even if it doesn't, it seems to have benefited me!! I am feeling better, and more courageous, and strengthened. Thanks for listening. . and I promise not to make a habit of this! Tomorrow will be fresh and new and better!

1 Peter 5:6-11

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.